iRelle

I wasn’t planning on writing a post tonight, I was planning on being asleep about an hour ago. But I’ve got that lonesome feeling, and I’m afraid if I try to go to sleep right now I’ll either end up crying myself to sleep, or wake up in a cold sweat in an hours’ time. So instead, I’ll reach out – rather feebly and futilely – to the big wide internet, because someone is always awake.

Maybe it’s time for a catching-up-with-my-life blog, then. Today’s big news is that Mum has decided to stop chemotherapy treatments. In reality, they haven’t been working for months, so the only difference is that she won’t be so sick from the side effects. In my head, it’s just one step closer to finally losing her… and I’m still so not ready, ever. Someone said to her the other day ‘well, at least it’s not a tragedy- you’re not leaving little children behind’. I had to sheathe my claws and walk away from that one. No matter who the person, what family they have, there is always a tragedy, and I’m still (I think I always will be) my Mum’s little Rellie. I don’t think anyone with a reasonably normal family life can say that they would ever be alright without their mother, and just the thought of facing all those problems and joyous moments and lonely times without her is just a little too much.

So much for the distraction technique. I was going to be all clinical and list a medical update. Let’s see. Mum’s cancer (which was primarily breast cancer, but progressed to bone cancer before it was discovered) has now spread to her liver – the first soft tissue. I think the thing we are all dreading is hearing that it has spread to the lungs or the heart – and once that has happened, then we’ll just be celebrating every single day.

There are these thoughts that I live with every single day… will this be the last Mother’s Day? Will we get Christmas this year? What will I think about that flower, that picture, that phrase after she’s gone? What will this house be like with only two, and will I be able to be strong enough? These are the nights that it completely sucks to be single, because I feel like there’s a whole stack of dominoes leaning up against me, and I’m just standing there by myself, desperately needing someone to lean on.

And now I think I’ll go and have that cry.

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